I Answer To Myself

"I only have to answer to myself." You've heard people say this, but it often makes me wonder what the real reason is behind the statement. So many people will use this as an excuse for their behavior or an unwillingness to address something they see in themselves that they do not like. It is a case of justification. It is a way of avoidance. It is self serving.

I first answer to God. If I see that God would not look upon me with approval, how can I approve it myself? I cannot.

For me, answering to myself means taking a good hard look inside. What are my feelings? What are my thoughts? Most importantly, what are my motives? If the answer to my motive is doing what is best for "self" rather than what is "right", I gotta do what I gotta do...

...which means I gotta do what I don't wanna do and take the more difficult path. And that is to do the right thing.

That is just the way I choose to live.

Serving, Submission, And Sacrifice

These words can really turn some people off when it comes to a relationship. They just don't get it. The reality of it is "you get what you give".

I have written about "serving" GF. My placing her number one above myself in all that I do. To "submit" is very similar. Husbands and wives are both called to submit to and serve each other, using Christ's relationship to the church as their model. Because Christ's life was dedicated to serving others, that should be our model for relating to our spouses.

I am adding "sacrifice" to this post because, like "serve" and "submit", it has a negative connotation to it which isn't necessarily accurate.

I would rather "sacrifice" going out for lunch and eat peanut butter sandwiches to make sure GF gets a wonderful present on Christmas and her birthday. Or to eat leftovers but make her something new for dinner so that bills get paid and we have money for other things. Or to give up my "wants" to be able to take Daughter to the movies and so we can all fly to see my parents this summer. It's not sacrifice to me. It's to support and be supportive. So that GF can pursue her dreams of being a writer. It is my choice. It is what I want to do.

You see, and I think I have said it before, "giving 100% to a relationship doesn't mean 50-50". Each person puts in 100% of themselves and what they have. One person may not have as much as the other when it comes to "things" or money, but they each put in ALL that they have, and that equals 100%. I won't be all full of that prideful man bullsh*t when GF makes more money than me after she becomes successful at her goal. I will still put in MY 100%.

For me it's not about sacrifice. it's about putting 100% into being a man. That means placing yourself second for the ones you love. Always and in all ways.

I take care of my people. I take care of all my business. I don't call that sacrifice, I call that "choosing to do what is right" and "being a man".

Full Moon

With GF's initial suggestions and a subscription to GQ, (to help out some kid who came to the door selling magazines) I have turned into a something of a clothing shapeshifter in the last couple years.

Today I left for work wearing baggy jeans, tennis shoes, and untucked button down shirt sticking out from under a pullover sweater. I decided to wear my hair down flat with a little flip in front going left to right. GF just laughed at me. Super casual. Really, I just didn't feeling like ironing a shirt today. Of course I got a few comments at work. But I will get more, I know.

Now that the weather is changing I get to pull out some jackets. I will be pulling off my black leather Harley Davidson jacket with the large skull on the back exposing my well defined muscles and multitude of tattoos. The hair will be punked up into a spikey look and I may wear the dangling lightning bolt earring on the right ear. The two hoops always stay in the left ear. I probably will be wearing black boot cut jeans with small tears in them along with my Mark Nason black leather boots with the large dragon emblem embossed on the toes.

What next? Hmmm, I really love my GQ look. The pullover Armani sweater with the metal clasp over a plain white tee. The skinny black straight legged low rise distressed jeans that show off my Calvin's when I bend over. Hmmm, do I wear the thick brown belt with my two-toned brown Gianfranco Ferre Italian boots or the brown Mark Nason leather slip ons that also have a dragon emblem on the toes? I think I will mess my hair up just a bit on top and then flip up the short bangs for that boyish appearance.

Decisions, decisions.

With the hot weather over I will hafta put away the low-cut white Nikes and Reeboks with the long baggy basketball shorts and the ultra tight Under Armor sleeveless workout shirt for the weekends and find something else. Excuse me while I look in the closet.

GF just shakes her head nowadays. When she met me I was wearing plain straight cut Levi's with tennis shoes and polo shirts. EVERYDAY. Now she calls me a "clothes hanger" and laughs when I stand in front of the mirror telling her how hot I am. Well I am! lol And no matter what I wear, with my height, slim waist and broad shoulders, I throw people off when I step out of that Mercedes as they try to figure out what ball team I play for or what band I'm in.

You would think I could find other ways to amuse myself wouldn't you?

Familiar Voice On The Line

Unfortunately I cannot see how I can keep up with all my blogspot reading as life has become busier. What I do need to remember is to stay in the moment and not forget to follow through with those people who are in my "physical" life.

Last week my office phone rang and I picked it up to find an unexpected surprise as the caller spoke. Back in the late '90's I worked in a community program with a small number of staff. We had one administrative person manning the office while the other couple of us ran around in the "field". Maxine was one of the kindest, patient, loving people I have met, and here she was calling me after years of no contact. "Penny" as she went by in her personal life is a very spiritual woman who had counseled this counselor many times when we found ourselves alone together in the office. She was constantly trying to get me back to going to church but never judged me as to this day I still do not attend services. There was so much to catch up on as we spoke but we both had things to attend to and tried to get as much in as possible in a 15 minute call. We exchanged home numbers and said that we needed to get together. I haven't seen her husband in a long time and I definitely wanted to show off the wonderful woman I have in my life.

So despite the busy schedule that may take me away from all my "web" friends, I need to make it a priority to follow through with the people who are in my life today.

With a hectic life and busy holiday season approaching us don't forget to stay in the moment and not let opportunities to spend quality time with your loved ones get away.

Italy Photo

Here is a pic of me at the Abby at San Galgano south of Siena. GF has developed a great eye for images don't ya think?

(And you thought you were gonna see my face-HA!)

Chronic Illness Surrounds Us

Assholism is an incurable problem. It is characterized by swelling of the head also known as assholitis. Other symptoms include the production of ignorant statements and a lack of self insight. This chronic disease worsens as it is fed by life forms of lesser intelligence who support the host.

Unfortunately this illness can spread to other victims who do not actually catch it, but are negatively effected by it by virtue of environmental contact. It is doubtful that this malady will ever be eradicated.

Hiding Through Others

You know how we sometimes take things out on those we love when we wouldn't even think of doing that to a stranger? Well that got me to thinking even deeper. Many of us are guilty of using our loved ones or spouses as excuses on getting out of having to do something. Or returning a phone call. Or what I think is really bad, to make ourselves look better. I have often wondered how our significant other would feel if s/he knew what we told our friends in order to make ourselves look/feel better. To cover our own insecurities. To show our independence or "who really wears the pants in the family". To cover our fallabilities. I guess it's really a way to hide our own perceived weaknesses. Another one of those "false pride" things I have written about I suppose. I guess there is really nothing wrong with it, but then again I think a person should ask themselves, "If I say this and my spouse heard the words I was using, how would that make them feel?". Or "How would I feel if s/he said that about me?".

I know I would rather myself look "bad" than to "save face" by using GF in this way. I need to make sure that everyone sees what I see in her, how she sparkles and shines. And after all, it is my job to protect her in all ways no matter the cost to myself.